This blog was written by LFC Team Member, Amy White
“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo. “So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring
Lately, those words between Frodo and Gandalf feel less like a distant story and more like a reflection of the moment we’re living in – the feeling of wishing this weren’t our time because it’s hard, even as we keep on moving through it.
We know we have to be resilient to get through life. And if resilience is the assignment, where do we even begin? What if we start by turning resilience upside down and considering what it is not? Perhaps by looking at resilience from a different angle, we can begin to understand what it really asks of us, and how we find our way there… eventually. After all, doing it “wrong” can also be the first step toward figuring it out.
How Not to Be Resilient – A Beginner’s Guide
- Keep one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow.
Stay fixated on what was lost. Worry endlessly about what might come next. Forget entirely about what remains.
To paraphrase a line from comedian Leslie Jordan: if you’ve got one foot in yesterday and one in tomorrow, you’re in the perfect position to make a mess of today.
And yet, this is where so many of us live. Grieving what was. Bracing for what could be. It’s human. Necessary, even. But resilience doesn’t ask us to abandon grief or foresight. It invites us to make space for both while still noticing what is here now: the relationships that endure, the small goodnesses that persist, the quiet evidence that not everything has been lost.
- Suppress your emotions at all costs.
Don’t feel the grief. Don’t acknowledge the anger. Certainly don’t let others see your vulnerability. Leaders, after all, are supposed to be composed.
Except that’s not leadership, that’s isolation.
The truth is, honoring our emotions is not a detour from resilience; it is the path through it. When we allow ourselves and others to be vulnerable, we create the conditions for real strength. Not a performative mask, but grounded, human-centered leadership that says: this is hard, and we are in it together.
- Do everything alone.
Carry it all. Hold it all by yourself. Don’t ask for help.
This is perhaps the fastest way to burn out.
Resilience is a relay race, not an individual sprint. There are moments when you carry the baton, and moments when you hand it off. We survive and thrive through community. Leaning on one another makes our leadership possible.
- Ignore your own boundaries.
Say yes when you mean no. Move quickly when you need time. Abandon your inner knowing in favor of urgency.
In challenging times, everything can start feeling urgent. But not every moment requires immediate action. Sometimes leadership looks like pausing, thinking, and choosing with intention rather than reacting with exhaustion.
To “know thyself” is essential. Boundaries are not the same as barriers. Boundaries are the structures that make sustained care possible.
- Refuse joy.
Decide that in serious times, joy is inappropriate. Wait until everything is fixed before allowing yourself to feel lightness.
You’ll be waiting a long time.
Having joy does not mean denying hardship exists. Joy fills us up so that we have something to give. As Anne Frank reminds us, “You can always, always give something, even if it is only kindness.” Joy fuels that kindness so it can overflow into the spaces where it is needed most.
In a recent conversation on The Leading for Children Podcast, guest Allison Klingmann offered a grounding reminder: “It’s good to see people standing up and still speaking their truth, even though things are in a complicated state, taking a stand in whatever capacity they can. To me, that’s true leadership.”
At Leading for Children, we are committed to leadership that is rooted in a humanity-centered approach – grounded in dignity, curiosity, and connection so that we can be the leaders children deserve. When we forget about our shared humanity, we can start to believe that leadership means holding everything perfectly together. But when we remember that we’re all human, something starts to shift. We begin to see that resilience during uncertain and heavy times requires a willingness to be vulnerable and stay human while we keep showing up for one another.
We don’t have to have everything figured out to be leaders. We have to show up with what we have, even if what we have doesn’t always feel like enough.
In The Return of the King, Gandalf offers another quiet truth: “It is not our part to master all the tides of the world, but to do what is in us…”
Times are incredibly hard for a lot of people right now and there is a real tension in the thought: No one should be going through this. Resilience is about meeting this tension with honesty. Making room for grief and hope to coexist. Choosing, again and again, what we will do with the time that is given us.
So perhaps the invitation is this:
Pause when you need to.
Feel what is real.
Stay rooted in your truth.
Lean on your people.
Let joy find you, and let it overflow to others.
Because life isn’t easy. And even so, there is something within us – something human – that knows how to keep going, together.
